fuck it

fuck it man! i dont know why im always at the losing end. why do i always lose out and get hurt? for once la, let me hurt someone who be the winner instead.biar lelaki2 ni sume tau how it feels. u dont fucking care. u dont give a damn abt this relationship. if u dont want to go on, just say so. y wait? y keep giving me false hope? u dont want to be called a bastard? da terang2 memang u bastard. i dont know y im still holding on to this relationship. i just find myself stupid. i keep thinking theres still hope. but right now, i swear im sick and tired of all these shits!!! go away!!!

kita merancang,tuhan yang menentukan...

i have been waiting for your text since yesterday at 1pm. the reason i didnt text u because i know u always have an afternoon nap at that time. but i think i was wrong. till i punched out from work, my hp was still silent. no msgs at all. i thot u were busy. but atleast u could drop me a msg saying ure gonna b busy and will text me later. but all i gt was nothing. this was when i sensed something is not right. u might be keeping something from me? i keep waiting until i could not take it any longer. n ur reply was u need time to think and lay out ur thots before talking to me again. i was upset. and heartbroken. coz i knew that the chance of me being with u anymore is very minimal. i could not stop thinking about it. how i go about my life again without u? the one that ive been spending time with for the last nine months. the one that ive been waiting for every week for him to book out from work and meet me? the one that ive always make my saturdays free just to be with him the whole day? the one that ive been guessing whether its wednesday or thursday that he will gt to book out to see me? it was really a big blow to me. cos i thot ours was true love, never ending. but i realised it only occurs in fairytales. for goodness, this is real life. i think i can dream on. i just wanna say that my time with u is not up yet. to me atleast. theres so many things i wanna do with u. going sentosa, resort world, playing kite, going zookout and the csi exhibition at spore science centre. i guess i can put everything away and plan it with my friends instead.

baby if ure reading this. i really hope u will consider this relationship carefully. ive been sacrificing alot in this. waiting for u fr two weeks afew times when u were confined in camp. disciplined myself not to go out with other guys. going all the way to bkt batok to send u to camp or just to see u before u book in even fr a few hours. going all the way to yishun to fetch u from camp n to send u to the bustop. i gave my all to u, to this relationship. tell me what more am i lacking of? im sorry if ive did anything wrong to u. i hope u can forgive and forget and lets start anew. love me all over agai. i wanna be loved, by you. like what uve promised. like what uve said, u will never leave my heart. im still holding on to that. till now. i still love u baby.all the same. n i miss u more. come back to me pls..=((

I guess not.

I swear i thot its over. No more lies, no more secrets and no more doing things behind each other's back. But i guess not. N im terribly upset about it. Throughout my whole life, i've never invade my boyfriends' privacy by reading their text msgs. Because y? I trust them. I trust them that wont do stupid things behind my back. However, last sunday. I dont know why but i got this feeling. Urging me to go check on his hp. To my surprise i saw his ex texting him. N it was like asking him out. Tell me who wouldnt be mad? Which gf wouldnt be mad? N the strange thing is that that girl is attached as well. She has her own bf for goodness sake. Im not angry but im just sad that it is still happening. Im gonna talkto him about this very soon. I hope to clear the air n i hope it is all a misundrrstanding. Shit always happens.

Dear gal,
u fucking have a bf n i fucking have a bf. So i would really appreciate it if u leave him alone. Between u and him, its over. Long gone over! Do u like it if i do the same thing to ur bf? Asking him out n stuffs? This is between couples' talk. Know your limits! And jolly well behave like u are attached! Thank u very nice. Jadi pmpn tkmo gatal sgt. Org pandang serong kau phm tak! Dignity beb!

Sad truth huh.

First of all, happy 9months to us. I dont know whether i should be happy or sad. To me 9months is an accomplishment. Ive never been with someone for that long. At least one. But i dont know to really consider that a relationship or not. Anws, im just thankful that we've reached this far. Thats if u feel the same way baby. Well i really hope so. Ytd was absolutely the worst day of my life knowing all the things that have been kept from me. Do u guys know hows the feeling like? Esp from someone that u love alot. Its a shitty feeling, i swear. N i cant help but to breakdown. Lies after lies. Its like shooting at me simultaneously. I thot it'll stop at one but it doesnt. Oh well. Whats past is past. I wont n cant brood over it anymore. Uat hati saket je. Just didnt thot this will happen to me. To us. I thot everything is fine sweet and right from the start. I guess i shouldnt have put high hopes or think too much about this relationship. In the end, i will gt hurt. I decided to give him a second chance. Not out of pity but because i still love him. I want him to change fr the better not just coz of me but for his family or the people around him. I really hope u'll change. I believe in u.

Baby, if u happen to read this, i hope u really change. It doesnt matter how long it'll take. Even if u have to take another 9 months i dont mind. The most is i'll suffer w all thse shits again. But i just cant bear to leave u yet. Atleast for now. I hope u will take advantage of this chance that ive given u to really reflect on urself and change fr the better. Rmbr, its not only fr me but fr urself n ur family. U dont owe me a living so i wont say its purely for me. Hope u are already starting now. This minute. I wont say i trust u cos i need time too to trust u all over again. But i believe in u. I swear i do. Just know that im not one who will take revenge. But if it really happen then im sorry it happen. I love u soo much baby n i hope u feel the same way.

=(

seems like my posts lately are all about fights fights n fights. i'll listen to sis in law. learn to let go slowly. i hope it'll work out. i want to see us happy again. u know laughing so hard at each other. oh well.. i just miss all those times we had.

Dear God,
I hope u can help me to go through thick n thin together with him. i hope we can work things out for the better of our relationship. insyaallah. Amin...

urgh!

fucking pissed off! i dont know what u trying to do/show or just what were u thinking. its crazy! think back! u told me it hurts and ur jealous when i talk to you abt my exes. n so i feel bad about it n trying to make it up by not mentioning them anymore. i tried to convince u that they were just my past n no use brooding over it. IRONICALLY, u talked to ur ex! talk tao b. talk?! n its not a once off thing uh. its balas2 lagi. mataer mane tk mengamok? mataer mane tk jealous? saket hati? pegi your fb,its those thing that i saw again n again. hello? ur attached la b. which part of attached u tk phm syg? im sorry im not as liberal as u k. how boyish i can be, im still a girl w a soft n fragile heart k b. just know that la. sigh.. i just fucking hope this bullshit will end soon uh. i never thot we will be like this. one thing i have to say. its the end of our honeymoon period. n the beginning of fights after fights.

ONE AFTER ANOTHER

right.one after another. i really dont know whats happening to us. its sad that we're now in this kinda shit. well, its no one else but us to be blamed. i said US. i wont only blame one party. its not abt ego or wat. to me, it takes two hands to clap uh so both are at fault. and seriously, if u play with fire. of cos it will spread rite?? my mind's getting tired from all the thinking.seriously i can feel my body getting warmer n warmer everytime. n im not convinced yet y i canT join u just now despite me begging u or giving you hints. its not like i will create troubles ke ape kn. i fucking dont understand. its ok. u must have yr own reasons. shall be understanding now. n im willing to sacrifice my SUNDAYS just so u can enjoy or meet up w yr frens. happy? fair n square.